Sorrow, Strength and Reflection

It's funny how your mind works, that today of all days I wanted to do a blog post.  Today is the day I spend a few quiet moments and go through my baby's box. As I open it I smile at the name printed on  a sticker that is affix to the top of the box. Jude K. R. Koch. I think of how unfair it is that I have a certificate of death instead of a birth certificate, sympathy cards instead of congratulations cards and I wonder how I will explain to Corbin one day that he is a little brother. I think of all the mind numbing pain that I thought I would never escape. I wondered what I would do with all of that sorrow I felt, and I now realize that you bundle it up, tuck it away and carry it around with you. Or at least that is what I have done for these past three years. Even when feeling immense happiness I have held a little back, scared that  tragedy is around the corner waiting for me to let my guard down. But today as I look back I don't  see things the same. I look at the strength that it took to get through it all and tell myself that you are stronger than you think. I remember all the friends and family that helped us along the way and remember that I am not alone. I hug and kiss my little one that sits next to me as I write and remember that each day is truly a blessing. Life is hard and  can be an uphill battle, but I can't let it beat me down. I am reminded to live  in the moment, and when tragedy happens, take a deep breath and carry on. Today I lay down some of my sorrow so that I can smile more and enjoy what I have.