Thursday, April 29, 2010
I found this picture of Matt and I last night. Wow that was a few years again, but I love it for so many reason. First look at how big Matt's hair is...and mine too, so much fun. But my favorite part is looking at were we where. Our kitchen, when it was still a boy house. Only car pictures on the fridge, having 2 refrigerators, there is one behind us too. There was a stack of tires next to that fridge but you can't really see them. The orange wall is not even there anymore! I love old pictures, this was taken almost 5 years ago!
Monday, April 12, 2010
Friday, April 9, 2010
I know that it is not good to dwell on sad things for to long but I have to say that this week has been really hard. My body still aches to hold my baby and I don't know how to get rid of this feeling. It is a want that I know I can't fill. It doesn't matter how loud I have my music or how fast I drive my car it is still there. I feel hollow inside, like I have a permanent void where he used to be. And there is nothing to fill it up. Today at work there was a lady who was pregnant and she was a far along as I would of been. I look at her cute belly with such envy and sadness that I thought I was going to die right there in the middle of cleaning her 2 years old teeth. I look at people with children differently now, like they have a special secret that they all share between themselves and I have been left out. Life is just so hard right now, I know that it will get better. I am taking small steps, I don't cry when I wake up anymore, the overwhelming feeling doesn't hit me until the evening and I have to be happy for that . It is a step in the right direction.
This picture was taken the day before we found out anything was wrong, I look at this picture and see differant people, we are different people now.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
You know that you are over emotional when you get a new car and cry. This past friday Matt and I traded in my very practical car for something a little more fun. I finally got my Mini Cooper, Matt and I have been looking at them for 9 years. Yes 9 years, the first time we looked at them I still lived at my parents! When we got to the dealership and I saw the car and had a smile on my face, an actual smile for the first time in a while. But as we drove off I had tears in my eyes and running down my cheeks...I don't know why I even wear make up anymore. I was so sad to leave my old car, I loved my wagon. Poor Matt had a look of complete confusion on his face. But by the time we were home my smile was back. I have to say that I do love that little car. Monday was my first day back to work and it was a hard day. I work at a children dental office so I see kids, babys, and pregnant woman all day, talk about pouring salt in my wounds. Actually two of the girls I work with are now pregnant. Anytime I felt like bursting into tears I would look out the window and see my little car. I was able to hold it all in until I was almost home. Another good thing about my car is the tinted windows, they allow me to fall apart all by myself and look all together from the outside. Which is pretty much me right now, a mess on the inside with enough sanity to it pull together on the outside.
On a happier note I have to talk about my husband. I know that I an extremely lucky to have him in my life especially as my husband. Today when I got home from work he had a big smile on his face and said he had a birthday gift for me. He said he wanted to give it to me early, my birthday isn't until the 16th. He ran upstairs and grabbed the gift bag and was back in seconds. I open it to find a black and blue bag that was kind of a sling and had a lunch box on the bottom. Across the front of it it had a Mckinstry label. He smile and said this is what he had be saving his safety bucks for, to get me this bag. A safety buck is something you get at his work if you don't have an accidents. You only get a couple a month and this is a nice bag. I asked him how long he had been saving for and he said proudly a year and a half! That is an amazing husband, they have some really cool stuff he could of got for himself but he got the bag for me. I am a very lucky person.