Friday, April 9, 2010

3 weeks tomorrow

I know that it is not good to dwell on sad things for to long but I have to say that this week has been really hard. My body still aches to hold my baby and I don't know how to get rid of this feeling. It is a want that I know I can't fill. It doesn't matter how loud I have my music or how fast I drive my car it is still there. I feel hollow inside, like I have a permanent void where he used to be. And there is nothing to fill it up. Today at work there was a lady who was pregnant and she was a far along as I would of been. I look at her cute belly with such envy and sadness that I thought I was going to die right there in the middle of cleaning her 2 years old teeth. I look at people with children differently now, like they have a special secret that they all share between themselves and I have been left out. Life is just so hard right now, I know that it will get better. I am taking small steps, I don't cry when I wake up anymore, the overwhelming feeling doesn't hit me until the evening and I have to be happy for that . It is a step in the right direction.

This picture was taken the day before we found out anything was wrong, I look at this picture and see differant people, we are different people now.


  1. I don't know what to say; except you were different anyway. Two very special people
    who found that kind of love that is hard to come by and it will just grow & grow. God does not allow us to handle more than we can
    take. He will bless you many times over. You
    will have a baby for eternity and that's a gift not many people will have. It does not diminish what your feeling but it will make you smile as time goes by. We love you.

  2. Oh my dear friend what a moving post you did today! To share such thoughts is so hard! I would love to say you will one day move on and not have those feelings but I don't know if you ever will! It might just not show on the surface as much as time goes on! You and matt are a wonderful couple and you have your little angel forever I believe that! Keep your chin up and allow yourself to cry whenever you want! I know there are times I still do! But I can't wait to see you this upcoming week and give you a big hug! Also I have something special I am bringing you and can't wait to give it to you! LOVE you guys!