Friday, April 9, 2010

3 weeks tomorrow


I know that it is not good to dwell on sad things for to long but I have to say that this week has been really hard. My body still aches to hold my baby and I don't know how to get rid of this feeling. It is a want that I know I can't fill. It doesn't matter how loud I have my music or how fast I drive my car it is still there. I feel hollow inside, like I have a permanent void where he used to be. And there is nothing to fill it up. Today at work there was a lady who was pregnant and she was a far along as I would of been. I look at her cute belly with such envy and sadness that I thought I was going to die right there in the middle of cleaning her 2 years old teeth. I look at people with children differently now, like they have a special secret that they all share between themselves and I have been left out. Life is just so hard right now, I know that it will get better. I am taking small steps, I don't cry when I wake up anymore, the overwhelming feeling doesn't hit me until the evening and I have to be happy for that . It is a step in the right direction.

This picture was taken the day before we found out anything was wrong, I look at this picture and see differant people, we are different people now.

2 comments:

  1. I don't know what to say; except you were different anyway. Two very special people
    who found that kind of love that is hard to come by and it will just grow & grow. God does not allow us to handle more than we can
    take. He will bless you many times over. You
    will have a baby for eternity and that's a gift not many people will have. It does not diminish what your feeling but it will make you smile as time goes by. We love you.
    Timi

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  2. Oh my dear friend what a moving post you did today! To share such thoughts is so hard! I would love to say you will one day move on and not have those feelings but I don't know if you ever will! It might just not show on the surface as much as time goes on! You and matt are a wonderful couple and you have your little angel forever I believe that! Keep your chin up and allow yourself to cry whenever you want! I know there are times I still do! But I can't wait to see you this upcoming week and give you a big hug! Also I have something special I am bringing you and can't wait to give it to you! LOVE you guys!

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