Monday, May 3, 2010
Clubs That I am In
Today we have our final appointment at the University of Washington, our autopsy review. I am not sure how I even feel about this appointment, I can feel tears starting to roll down my cheeks but as far as feelings go I am numb. I sometimes try to think about how other people would deal with this situation when I am not sure how I feel. I don't know why I do this, it never helps but time and time again I find myself doing it. Today we get to find out more about why this happened and what exactly was wrong with him. It is going to be hard to hear, even through we have already lost him.
It is funny that in the past year I have found myself in all these clubs that I have never joined. First it was with the VW bus, membership includes waving at other VW bus members, smiling at all the people who drive by and are pointing at you as you drive down the road and talking with random people who used to have one or knew someone who had one! Club #2 Mini Cooper Club. I think these people are weirder than VW people and some VW people are weird. Member ship rules, you MUST wave at other mini people even if you see them all the time and they never wave at you. I do not wave at mini people, I love my car but it is not old, it is not super unique! If you want one, there are dealerships with hundreds of them...I am not going to wave. Matt and I saw this one mini 3 time in an hour and a half in Maple Valley, he waved every time. Not the two finger off the steering wheel wave, I could deal with this. This guy gave the I following an elementary school school bus crazy excited wave every time. If only I could of got a picture of Matts face when we would see the crazy mini driving towards us. And the last club the reason for my rant. Club # 3 I have lost my baby. Rules Try not to cry all the time. This last club I didn't realize I was in until last week. At work of course I see parents with their kids and babys all day. There was a lady who had 4 children with her, we were talking and she had mention that she had lost a baby. I didn't say anything about myself. Then we were all talking about pregnancy, we all have our stories. I sometimes forget that I am not still pregnant.For me pregnancy and babies are a separate thing, they are not linked like almost everyone else. I need to remember that if I mention being pregnant people will ask about the baby. I don't feel bad talking about Jude but sometimes people think it makes me feel bad so they don't ask or even worse pretend that it didn't happen. So I chime in with something about being pregnant and she asks about my baby, when I tell her that I lost my baby instead of her freezing up and changing the subject or saying I am sooo sorrry. She ask how far long I was, if I had a little girl or boy and what our little boys name was. It was so nice. She then ask when I gave birth and said wow you are just in the beginning of this. It was so amazing to talk with someone who wasn't scared of me and what I have been through and was a perfect stranger. I am OK with this club, Woman who have lost the most important thing, their baby.
The picture is of Jude's star. A good friend of our family bought a star for Jude. I love seeing his name. It always put a big smile on Matt and my face.