Tuesday, October 19, 2010

20 weeks tomorrow

Tomorrow I am 20 weeks or 5 months pregnant. I am very excited to be half way through...again. With every new happy milestone that I have in this pregnancy, I have to say that there is a bit of sorrow. Its hard not to think about our little boy. Every week I get a little reminder of how far along I am and what is going on with the baby. This week I was told that the baby should be about 10 inches...Jude was 10inch when I gave birth to him. I have the measuring tape upstairs that they used to measure him with with a small mark next to the 10, we keep it in our memory box of Jude.

I have to say that tonight I am very bitter. I don't want a memory box, I want my baby. I don't want his ashes, I want his crys and laughs. I want to wake up from this horrid dream that has become my life. I don't want to know what it feels like to loose such an important part of you.

I have heard the saying that life only gives you what you can handle. I am not sure if I believe that or not but as I write this and my tears get stronger I feel the little one within me kick and I breath again knowing that I will make it through another day.


  1. I am so sorry to hear about the sorrow you have today! You and I both have something very deep in common that I know both of us wish we did not! My little Hudson would be 5 tomorrow and not a day goes by that I don't think about the sad reality of loosing him! I wish I were there to give you a hug for your sadness and a hug for your joy of being 20 weeks along! I miss you HUGS

  2. Oh my sweet friend...you are stronger than you know. And even though no one can take your tears away, just remember that we all wish Jude was here with us. Every time I see a star I think of Jude. I love you bunches my friend...