Tomorrow I am 20 weeks or 5 months pregnant. I am very excited to be half way through...again. With every new happy milestone that I have in this pregnancy, I have to say that there is a bit of sorrow. Its hard not to think about our little boy. Every week I get a little reminder of how far along I am and what is going on with the baby. This week I was told that the baby should be about 10 inches...Jude was 10inch when I gave birth to him. I have the measuring tape upstairs that they used to measure him with with a small mark next to the 10, we keep it in our memory box of Jude.
I have to say that tonight I am very bitter. I don't want a memory box, I want my baby. I don't want his ashes, I want his crys and laughs. I want to wake up from this horrid dream that has become my life. I don't want to know what it feels like to loose such an important part of you.
I have heard the saying that life only gives you what you can handle. I am not sure if I believe that or not but as I write this and my tears get stronger I feel the little one within me kick and I breath again knowing that I will make it through another day.