Baby toes, all 9?

I finally feel Ok enough to share Jude's prints. First off I have to say that he did have all his toes they just missed one :) At the same time I wanted to scream and say this is all I have and you missed a toe? Thankfully I was way to nauseous to be my normal self or I would have a print with all of his toes on it and a nurse in tears. I put my wedding ring next to them so you could see how tiny they are. Sometime I wish I could curl up with them and they would help feel whole again, but it is just a piece of paper.
Last week before I had Jude I felt like I was going to go crazy, I needed to change something...anything. I couldn't cut my hair because it is just growing back from the last time I chopped it off to make myself feel better. And I couldn't move furniture because I was pregnant so I ripped up the carpet in the front room! It made me feel so good cutting up the carpet and just having something to take my mind off of how horrible things were. I called my little brother and had him come over for a load to the Goodwill. Matt and him moved a couple of other things out of the way and I had a razor blade in my hand and was cutting up the carpet before noon. I don't even think Matt thought I was serious at first but then he walked in the room and I was cutting the carpet with tears in my eyes and he was on board. The carpet was gone in seconds, one quick cut. The sub floor took a bit longer. I was scared that if anyone came over they would have us committed :) But it really helped...and now we have hardwood floors, well I was informed that it is fir so technically its a soft wood but to me it is all the same.
I know that that is a lot of info about our floors and not the baby but it still hurts too much to write about it. It amazes me that the strangest things hit me so hard that I am on the floor in seconds. Matt said something about getting fire wood from my brother, we have been planning on this for months but all I could think about was how that fire wood was supposed to keep the baby warm all winter. I could help it, I sobbed for a good 10 minutes...over the thought of firewood. It has only been 4 days and it feels like a life time. I know that we will get thought this but it is not easy, it is not fun.

Jude

We welcomed out baby boy Jude yesterday morning at 9:01am. He was 10 inches long and a little over 8 ounces. We did not get what we hope, but we were able to hold him as long as we wanted. Matt crawled into bed next to me and we just laid there for a while. I was able to go home from the hospital at 3:00pm. It is good to be home but also sad.

Our hardest day so far

I woke up this morning with all my cats curled around me as tightly as they could be. I lay in bed listening to the alarm wondering how I am ever going to have the strength to get out of bed and then they all started purring. Anyone who thinks animal don't know what is going on, do not know what is going on themselves. Our dogs have even been sad. I should be getting ready to go, but I am some how hoping that I miss everything or I finally wake up from this horrible dream. I feel completly empty on the inside, and worry that if you look in my eyes you won't see anything anymore. I know it is weird to be writing all of these things but if I write it, I get a break from feeling it. Matt just took our bag for the weekend outside and I know no matter what I do, or how much I want to kick and scream this is really happening. This morning I am being induced, this weekend we will welcome a part of our family and also say goodbye....

Aurora

We have given our little girl a name and it is Aurora. I am not sure where to start, with ever key I hit my fingers scream with sleeplessness. It has been a very rough week and morning always seem to be the worse. Our poor baby Aurora is very sick. We had our appt at the University of Washington and they were sad to say that she is actually worse than they thought and that she is not going to make it. She has a very severe heart and brain condition, she is also very small. Unfortunilty Matt and I don't have a lot of options on what to do. This weekend or tomorrow at 8:00am we meet with the doctors to go over a couple of things and then I will be induced. We will have our baby this weekend at the University of Washington a far cry from my midwifes bathtub. Now this was our choice for me to go through labor and deliver our baby. I feel that Aurora deserves a birth no matter how sick or tiny she is. And we have something to hope for, there is a small change that she will be born alive. We were told that even if she is it will not be for long, maybe a couple of minutes. But those preciouse couple of minutes are worth going through hell and back for. We have to take what we can get. After I give birth Matt and I will be able to hold her and spend as much time as we like with her no matter how things end up. Thank you everyone for you thoughts and prayers it means a lot to Matt and I

Unthinkable

Matt and my hearts have been broken, the rug has been pulled from under us and our heads are still spinning. Our baby is very sick. We now realize why they didn't want to tell us her sex. What we took as poor customer service was actually then trying to spare our feelings. My midwife called us on Sunday and we went to her house to get the news. I thought that I had received bad news before, it has been a rough year. But this actually took my breath away and I feel like I am still holding it. We have been referred to the University of Washington, where we will spend all day today. We get another ultra-sound and get to meet with a doctor who specializes in babys who have so much going wrong with them. I hope we get some answers today, it has been really hard not knowing what is going on. We don't even know what to hope for because we don't really know how bad or good things are yet. We will keep everyone as up to date a possible.

Koch Baby #2 will be?

So just wanted to remind everyone that tomorrow is the big day, we find out what our baby is going to be so exciting! More exciting news is that it is Matts Birthday today. This morning as he was opening some present I realized that the first of his birthday that we spent together he was 19 and today he turns 31...crazy!

Dead Things In Tight Places!

Yesterday around three I thought to myself, Yeah we don't have to do anything tonight...we can just relax! Well that did not happen. As soon as Matt got out of school he let me know that his Moms house had a horrible smell in it and he had to climb under the house to see if there was something dead under it, fun! Since he would be home for at least 40 mins Kelli came to our house to breath some fresh air. As soon as Matt got home we head to Kellie's smelly house. And did it smell! Wow, as soon as we got there we started opening windows and Matt suited up. Did I mention that Matt hates climbing under house, especial if he is looking for something dead! I tried to get one of the other brothers over for some support for Matt but all he ended up with was Oscar our little dog, and he wouldn't even go under the house. MAtt made it under and found it, a large super dead super smelly possum! And he was not happy about it. I finally got a hold of Andrew and bribed him to come help Matt.( I have to do a photo shot of his truck this weekend) The smell was so bad that you could stand by one of the foundation vents and catch the smell and want to puke! Oh and one other gross detail the possum was covered in baby flys! Yes you know what I am talking about and Andrew hates baby flies so we couldn't tell him about it so he would help. I know mean but Kelli has house guest coming over and you couldn't go in the house it was so bad.
Ok now I know that this part is a little mean but Andrew kept saying how Matt was such a baby because he wouldn't do this by himself so I don't feel really bad. As soon as Andrew and Matt go back to the possum Andrew saw the baby flies :) we could hear him yelling I think I am going to get sick. I know not nice. But still I had to laugh, I should say we because Kelli and I both we at the vent laughing. Shortly after they got it out, we lit candles in the house and ended our relaxing evening!

LIfe Hint: Make sure animals can not get under your house :)