Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Baby toes, all 9?

I finally feel Ok enough to share Jude's prints. First off I have to say that he did have all his toes they just missed one :) At the same time I wanted to scream and say this is all I have and you missed a toe? Thankfully I was way to nauseous to be my normal self or I would have a print with all of his toes on it and a nurse in tears. I put my wedding ring next to them so you could see how tiny they are. Sometime I wish I could curl up with them and they would help feel whole again, but it is just a piece of paper.
Last week before I had Jude I felt like I was going to go crazy, I needed to change something...anything. I couldn't cut my hair because it is just growing back from the last time I chopped it off to make myself feel better. And I couldn't move furniture because I was pregnant so I ripped up the carpet in the front room! It made me feel so good cutting up the carpet and just having something to take my mind off of how horrible things were. I called my little brother and had him come over for a load to the Goodwill. Matt and him moved a couple of other things out of the way and I had a razor blade in my hand and was cutting up the carpet before noon. I don't even think Matt thought I was serious at first but then he walked in the room and I was cutting the carpet with tears in my eyes and he was on board. The carpet was gone in seconds, one quick cut. The sub floor took a bit longer. I was scared that if anyone came over they would have us committed :) But it really helped...and now we have hardwood floors, well I was informed that it is fir so technically its a soft wood but to me it is all the same.
I know that that is a lot of info about our floors and not the baby but it still hurts too much to write about it. It amazes me that the strangest things hit me so hard that I am on the floor in seconds. Matt said something about getting fire wood from my brother, we have been planning on this for months but all I could think about was how that fire wood was supposed to keep the baby warm all winter. I could help it, I sobbed for a good 10 minutes...over the thought of firewood. It has only been 4 days and it feels like a life time. I know that we will get thought this but it is not easy, it is not fun.


  1. What a precious picture...thank you for sharing it. I love hearing about the floors...take your time you guys.

  2. Steph,
    What a sweetie you are. Your story reminds me of a time I was so mad at a guy I worked with that I came home and cut my grape vine down to it's core; all the while crying and when Jack got home he said "What's wrong?"
    That's how well he knows me!!
    The foot prints are precious and will always be a treasure that will grow as time heals your sorrow.

    Love you

  3. steph, oh my gosh angel, our sweet babys feet,i love that picture soo much, i wish i could do or say something to take the pain away from u and matt. we are here for u any time. we love you mom

  4. Steph,

    You need to put youre wedding ring back up next to Baby Judes Feet! really showed how Small the Little prince Judes feet are!If You need anything let Me know.

    Love Ya, Aunt Tara

  5. Hi Steph,

    So true! I hope my comments are not out of
    the norm for you guys. It's just who I am
    and I usually speak from the heart and sometimes;
    it comes straight from the heart of God. So
    not to make light of your feelings; because
    I know this is hard. I drank tooo much wine
    and stayed in bed for 2 days depressed just thinking about what you two were going through.
    As you know by now Matty was my (our) first baby and I still think of him as that. I am
    happy you two have each other. I wouldn't want him to be with anyone else. I can see your love for each other when your together. That
    alone is an amazing gift. Cherish it.
    I would have bought that outfit no matter what
    because it is meant for you guys!

    I love you and hope when your healed and ready for a trip you'll come up for the week-end.

    Love you