Tulips

So we went up to see the tulips on Saturday but I fell in love with this barn instead. But the flowers were pretty too!

3 weeks tomorrow

I know that it is not good to dwell on sad things for to long but I have to say that this week has been really hard. My body still aches to hold my baby and I don't know how to get rid of this feeling. It is a want that I know I can't fill. It doesn't matter how loud I have my music or how fast I drive my car it is still there. I feel hollow inside, like I have a permanent void where he used to be. And there is nothing to fill it up. Today at work there was a lady who was pregnant and she was a far along as I would of been. I look at her cute belly with such envy and sadness that I thought I was going to die right there in the middle of cleaning her 2 years old teeth. I look at people with children differently now, like they have a special secret that they all share between themselves and I have been left out. Life is just so hard right now, I know that it will get better. I am taking small steps, I don't cry when I wake up anymore, the overwhelming feeling doesn't hit me until the evening and I have to be happy for that . It is a step in the right direction.

This picture was taken the day before we found out anything was wrong, I look at this picture and see differant people, we are different people now.

Back to work with a mini cooper and a blue bag

You know that you are over emotional when you get a new car and cry. This past friday Matt and I traded in my very practical car for something a little more fun. I finally got my Mini Cooper, Matt and I have been looking at them for 9 years. Yes 9 years, the first time we looked at them I still lived at my parents! When we got to the dealership and I saw the car and had a smile on my face, an actual smile for the first time in a while. But as we drove off I had tears in my eyes and running down my cheeks...I don't know why I even wear make up anymore. I was so sad to leave my old car, I loved my wagon. Poor Matt had a look of complete confusion on his face. But by the time we were home my smile was back. I have to say that I do love that little car. Monday was my first day back to work and it was a hard day. I work at a children dental office so I see kids, babys, and pregnant woman all day, talk about pouring salt in my wounds. Actually two of the girls I work with are now pregnant. Anytime I felt like bursting into tears I would look out the window and see my little car. I was able to hold it all in until I was almost home. Another good thing about my car is the tinted windows, they allow me to fall apart all by myself and look all together from the outside. Which is pretty much me right now, a mess on the inside with enough sanity to it pull together on the outside.
On a happier note I have to talk about my husband. I know that I an extremely lucky to have him in my life especially as my husband. Today when I got home from work he had a big smile on his face and said he had a birthday gift for me. He said he wanted to give it to me early, my birthday isn't until the 16th. He ran upstairs and grabbed the gift bag and was back in seconds. I open it to find a black and blue bag that was kind of a sling and had a lunch box on the bottom. Across the front of it it had a Mckinstry label. He smile and said this is what he had be saving his safety bucks for, to get me this bag. A safety buck is something you get at his work if you don't have an accidents. You only get a couple a month and this is a nice bag. I asked him how long he had been saving for and he said proudly a year and a half! That is an amazing husband, they have some really cool stuff he could of got for himself but he got the bag for me. I am a very lucky person.

Baby toes, all 9?

I finally feel Ok enough to share Jude's prints. First off I have to say that he did have all his toes they just missed one :) At the same time I wanted to scream and say this is all I have and you missed a toe? Thankfully I was way to nauseous to be my normal self or I would have a print with all of his toes on it and a nurse in tears. I put my wedding ring next to them so you could see how tiny they are. Sometime I wish I could curl up with them and they would help feel whole again, but it is just a piece of paper.
Last week before I had Jude I felt like I was going to go crazy, I needed to change something...anything. I couldn't cut my hair because it is just growing back from the last time I chopped it off to make myself feel better. And I couldn't move furniture because I was pregnant so I ripped up the carpet in the front room! It made me feel so good cutting up the carpet and just having something to take my mind off of how horrible things were. I called my little brother and had him come over for a load to the Goodwill. Matt and him moved a couple of other things out of the way and I had a razor blade in my hand and was cutting up the carpet before noon. I don't even think Matt thought I was serious at first but then he walked in the room and I was cutting the carpet with tears in my eyes and he was on board. The carpet was gone in seconds, one quick cut. The sub floor took a bit longer. I was scared that if anyone came over they would have us committed :) But it really helped...and now we have hardwood floors, well I was informed that it is fir so technically its a soft wood but to me it is all the same.
I know that that is a lot of info about our floors and not the baby but it still hurts too much to write about it. It amazes me that the strangest things hit me so hard that I am on the floor in seconds. Matt said something about getting fire wood from my brother, we have been planning on this for months but all I could think about was how that fire wood was supposed to keep the baby warm all winter. I could help it, I sobbed for a good 10 minutes...over the thought of firewood. It has only been 4 days and it feels like a life time. I know that we will get thought this but it is not easy, it is not fun.

Jude

We welcomed out baby boy Jude yesterday morning at 9:01am. He was 10 inches long and a little over 8 ounces. We did not get what we hope, but we were able to hold him as long as we wanted. Matt crawled into bed next to me and we just laid there for a while. I was able to go home from the hospital at 3:00pm. It is good to be home but also sad.

Our hardest day so far

I woke up this morning with all my cats curled around me as tightly as they could be. I lay in bed listening to the alarm wondering how I am ever going to have the strength to get out of bed and then they all started purring. Anyone who thinks animal don't know what is going on, do not know what is going on themselves. Our dogs have even been sad. I should be getting ready to go, but I am some how hoping that I miss everything or I finally wake up from this horrible dream. I feel completly empty on the inside, and worry that if you look in my eyes you won't see anything anymore. I know it is weird to be writing all of these things but if I write it, I get a break from feeling it. Matt just took our bag for the weekend outside and I know no matter what I do, or how much I want to kick and scream this is really happening. This morning I am being induced, this weekend we will welcome a part of our family and also say goodbye....

Aurora

We have given our little girl a name and it is Aurora. I am not sure where to start, with ever key I hit my fingers scream with sleeplessness. It has been a very rough week and morning always seem to be the worse. Our poor baby Aurora is very sick. We had our appt at the University of Washington and they were sad to say that she is actually worse than they thought and that she is not going to make it. She has a very severe heart and brain condition, she is also very small. Unfortunilty Matt and I don't have a lot of options on what to do. This weekend or tomorrow at 8:00am we meet with the doctors to go over a couple of things and then I will be induced. We will have our baby this weekend at the University of Washington a far cry from my midwifes bathtub. Now this was our choice for me to go through labor and deliver our baby. I feel that Aurora deserves a birth no matter how sick or tiny she is. And we have something to hope for, there is a small change that she will be born alive. We were told that even if she is it will not be for long, maybe a couple of minutes. But those preciouse couple of minutes are worth going through hell and back for. We have to take what we can get. After I give birth Matt and I will be able to hold her and spend as much time as we like with her no matter how things end up. Thank you everyone for you thoughts and prayers it means a lot to Matt and I