Dangerous New Hobby

Now you are probably wondering what new hobby I could be starting when I am 7 1/2 months pregnant that would be considered dangerous...making ice cream :) On x-mas this year Bob made homemade peach ice cream and I was in heaven. I am in the process on making my first batch which happens to be chocolate, I have had a small taste and it is amazing! I can't believe more people don't make their own, since I have now done it and found it to be very easy. Maybe a little too easy because I have about a dozen of flavors that I want to make. My next flavor is going to be pineapple, then peach, then maybe a mixed berry? This is where it becomes dangerous because ice cream as you know is not the healthiest treat I could be making.
Peanut butter, brownies, cookie dough...yummm. I think I will have to start giving it as gifts so I can still make and try all the different kinds but not eat it all. Did I mention the chocolate ice cream I am making right now has a hint of cinnamon in it which I wanted to leave out but makes it sooo good. Matt just stuck it in the freezer to get it final hard freeze so I have to go eat dinner then we will go for our walk and then I will let myself eat a small bowl of it...well hopefully small....smallish :)

December

I can't believe that it is already December! I would love to say that we have been busy with getting the house ready for the baby but Matt has hurt his arm so I am still without a bedroom and the baby room seems very far off. I am trying not to worry, tell myself that both of those rooms are wants and not needs...but it hasn't taken yet:) I would love to be putting his room together, he already has so much stuff!
My swelling reach an all time high last week where I could not close my hand, which makes my job (cleaning little kids teeth) kind of hard. So I gave my notice and this Thursday is my last day of work. I am very excited to get into a new routine, so I am trying to embrace my new title of stay at home wife...homemaker...I don't know why but those all make my stomach feel sick. So I will have to think of something more fitting.
The baby is now big enough and strong enough that when he moves my stomach moves too. I love the feeling of his kicks but I have to say the full body rolls are going to take some getting use too because they kind of gross me out. We have not settled on a name yet either. Matt likes to come up with really crazy names that we would never choose so the picking of names is going slow. Also I kind of feel like I need to see him before I can name him.

NASTY

I know, I know I said that I wasn't going to do it (post a picture of my ankle) but I had too. I figure, its better to laugh than to cry. Not that this swelling issue hasn't brought a few tears to my eyes. Oh and yes I am in need of a pedicure too.
This is what I have been dealing with normally on my right side but on a couple of occasion the left side decides to join in the fun. This past Sunday my toes, that are normally pretty stubby looking looked like those small baby hot dogs that no one buys but just laughs at in the baby food aisle.
Now I have spoke with my midwife and as long as my blood pressure don't go up this is all considered healthy. And I have to say that since this has happened my stress level has been way down because I have only been work 2 day a week.
I have an acupuncture appointment, and I can't wait. For me acupuncture ranks up there with a good massage. The baby loves it too with all the good blood flow he kick and play the whole time. It is a blissful hour and a half for me. Oh and it helps with my swelling too.

Worm Bin

I must say that this is probably one of the strangest things that I have done in a while. This past weekend I finally put together my worm bin. I am still in the process of collecting worms because I need about a pound. I could go and buy the rest that I need but, I kind of want to use worms that I find. . why? I am not sure. Collecting the worms or "harvesting" them is my least favorite part. Matt has a board in the back yard that had fallen over and I have found that it is my prime worm hunting ground, all I have to do is go out a couple of times a day and collect. It is pretty easy, most of them are on top of the ground so I just scoop them up and put them in my bin. Sometimes the big ones are only part of the way out of the ground and so you have to pull on them pretty good and they are slimy ...not my favorite part. When this happens I normally try to get Matt involved in harvesting but since he thinks I am slightly crazy for having a worm bin he prefers to watch and laugh.
Now the reason why I have chosen to have a worm bin is for worm castings and tea...to fertilize with. A pound of worms can eat up to a pound of food a day, that is amazing. Matt and I like to compost most of our food but it never turns out so I am going to try a worm bin instead. This summer we plan on growing veggies so I am going to make our own worm castings. Also this is really good practice for having a little boy! I will let you know how it goes, I am hoping that none escape.

Muffin Top Ankles

I am happy to say we are having another little boy. I was sure I was having a little girl and was happily surprised that I was wrong. Our little man weighs a whopping 1 pound 2 ounces right now and is quit the mover. We are not sure of what we are going to name him, boys names are harder for us. Matt has started coming up with some really crazy ones that make me laugh and then shake my head...some times no knowing if he is joking or not. The good news is is that we did figure out what we are going to be for Halloween next year! You have to get the important things out of the way first :) I am going to keep our costumes a secret till next year but I think we will be sending out a Halloween card with a picture.
Oh and yes I have Muffin top ankles. My legs have started swelling, the right more than the left and I have to say its not that fun. First off it looks really gross, I have a picture but don't think I will share it online. Second it freaks Matt out completely. He notice my foot had swelled one sunday, he kept looking at it and poking it like I had grown an extra toe. I kept saying it would be OK but he had that look on his face all day. Today when I was talking to Travis he reminded me that it was OK to have muffin top ankles because the Muffin top was the best part of the muffin.

Thankfull

It 5:18am on Sunday morning, I have been up for the past 2 plus hours or 2 1/2 episodes of LA Ink. Insomnia has become a close friend. During my first pregnancy it showed up almost instantly, so I am not sad to say that it took 5 months to visit me in my second. Normally I would be frustrated at missing some well need sleep but I have to say that this morning I am super excited. For the past couple of hours as I have been tossing and turning on our rock hard couch I have got to feel our baby move more than ever. It is the most amazing feeling and I am happy to say that I can feel my little lemon getting stronger. It has almost been 2 weeks since I felt the first little movement that I was sure was our baby and I have to say that every time it happens I have to give thanks. I was lucky enough to feel Jude move once within me. It is a special moment that I will never forget and always cherish. I can't wait for Matt to be able to feel the baby move, I know he will have one of the biggest smiles I have ever seen on his face.
I have to also mention that I have amazing friends. Last night Becky and Hailey surprised with a bunch a beautiful creative flowers, an amazing super sized chocolate bar and a bottle of bubbly that I can actually drink(sparkling cider with pomegranate). It was great to see them both. I love to show Becky the crazy new things we do to our house, she always has the best reaction and the funniest comments/compliments.Thank You, you guys made my night!

20 weeks tomorrow

Tomorrow I am 20 weeks or 5 months pregnant. I am very excited to be half way through...again. With every new happy milestone that I have in this pregnancy, I have to say that there is a bit of sorrow. Its hard not to think about our little boy. Every week I get a little reminder of how far along I am and what is going on with the baby. This week I was told that the baby should be about 10 inches...Jude was 10inch when I gave birth to him. I have the measuring tape upstairs that they used to measure him with with a small mark next to the 10, we keep it in our memory box of Jude.

I have to say that tonight I am very bitter. I don't want a memory box, I want my baby. I don't want his ashes, I want his crys and laughs. I want to wake up from this horrid dream that has become my life. I don't want to know what it feels like to loose such an important part of you.

I have heard the saying that life only gives you what you can handle. I am not sure if I believe that or not but as I write this and my tears get stronger I feel the little one within me kick and I breath again knowing that I will make it through another day.

Dear Heartburn

Dear Heartburn,
Please, please go away. You have been visiting for quit awhile and I think that it is time to go. You go from zero to ten sometimes when I just have a glass of water and I am not enjoying it at all. I try to live by your new rules that you have put before me but you have to understand that my appitite and craving are not mine alone. There is a little person living within me that begs for midnight snacks, Mexican food and orange juice. I try to make you happy by having a container of tums in every room of the house, my car and in my purse but you still are unhappy. I have even moved on to liquid relief that I keep cool in the fridge but still you stay strong till late in the night. Its not that I want you to move on to someone else but maybe just maybe you could lighten up a bite...please

Mini and her grandpa

I took this picture last weekend as part of a family session. Every time I look at it I find a new emotion that attaches me to this photo. This picture was not staged, I was lucky enough to catch this moment. And I have to say it makes me miss my grandparents very much. I think that a grandparent gives a special kind of love that only a grandparent could give. I was lucky enough to have the most amazing grandma and papa. And even though they are not still here, I still feel that love from them and am happy to know that I always will

had to share

I had to share this picture that I actually just saw. This is a baby quilt that Matt's Aunt Timi made for our baby. I love it! If you look close there are actually pictures from our bus trips in the quilt. I can't wait to see this quilt in person. I am even more excited to see our baby in a tie dyed onesie with some crazy hat wrapped up in this quilt. Thank you so much Timi, we both love it so much!

New friends

This past week man was out of town for work, which meant I was holding down the fort by myself. Normally I don't mind this at all, I lived by myself for many and loved it.There was a small task that I was asked to do and that I had to turn down.
In one of our apple trees these cute little vicious killers were having a snack. I wouldn't have a problem with this but these raccoons were 3 time the size of one of our dogs and all he cats were outside too. Matt told me that I need to shoot them with the pellet gun or risk loosing our animals. I couldn't do it! I decided that if they crossed the drive way then they would get it. I really hoped that it wouldn't come to this because I don't even like to kill bugs. And these were cute! Thankfully they ate their apples and stayed away from the animals.
The bathroom is coming along. The shower has new beautiful tile, the plumbing is done and Matt finished hanging the rest of the drywall today. We have a wonderful new laundry area that I don't mind doing laundry in. Which is a good thing because I heard a rumor that babies come with a lot of laundry.
Speaking of babies hopefully we get to find out what we are having the first week in November...we can't wait.

Koch baby #3

Koch baby#1 - Sophia
Koch baby#2- Jude
Koch baby #3-to be named

I am happy to finally be able to talk about our newest addition to the family. The little one should be here around the middle of March. Matt keeps saying that this will be the best birthday ever because I am due March 9th and his birthday is the 11th. When ever I think of my due date I always think about how I told Tanya that I would never have a March baby! The whole Month of March is littered with family birthdays and I didn't want to add to it. At the end of the month we are always exhausted and wonder where all the time went. Well, never say never because I gave birth to our little man Jude on the 20th and now we have another March on the way (give or take) baby could always be early.

Ok back to the pregnant. I am 15weeks so I am in the beginning of my second trimesters. I was super sick up until just a couple of weeks ago. I haven't had any crazy craving but if something comes to mind that sounds good it stays there till I eat it. I am happy to say I have a baby bump that just keeps getting bigger. I always catch Matt out of the corner of my eye with a huge smile on his face at the end of the day when my stomach is the biggest. I don't know why but sometimes it just feel so good to push it out, especially at the end of the day.

Yesterday we had our large ultrasound. Normally it is at 20 weeks but since we have a higher change of what happened to Jude happening again we got ours at 15 weeks. It was such a stressful day. The hospital was running late and of course we got there early. I am not a patience person, I wish I was but it just hasn't happened yet. Now imagine waiting to see if you baby was healthy, sitting in the same room, same seats that we sat in only 6month ago...I was a mess. Matt and I both had had a long hard week and we hopping that that weight would be lifted soon.
After about 4 hours, having to go upstairs then down again, complaining to customer service and crying to the lady at the front desk we finnally got out results...healthy baby!!! My midwife is not on side so no one would give us the information we came for, they told us they would fax it sometime that day to my midwife, well my midwife was going out of town in 15 minutes...I really wanted a glass of wine. Needless to say the wonderful woman at the desk broke a few rules and all was fine, our baby is healthy. I am sad to say that that weigh is still there. I now know it will be there till Koch baby #3 is here safe in my arms, but I am ok with that:)

Wish me Luck!

Tomorrow I am shooting a wedding at Mt. Rainier and I have to say I am a little stressed about it. I am not normally a fan of shooting weddings but I couldn't turn down a good friend. I have my cameras charged and my gear is ready to go but I am still super nervous. I have to leave my house by 6:00am for my 2 hour drive to the Mt. to take pictures of the bride getting ready. We are taking group shots around 10:00 and I hope to be done with the bride and grooms pictures by 1:00 the wedding is at 3:00 with reception to follow. I have no idea what time I will be done at but by the end of the day I will have over 3,000 pictures and another 2 hour drive to get home. It will be a long day, and I am worried that I will not have the energy to finish it. I am also catching a cold and with no cold meds in my future I am worried about how I will feel tomorrow. Oh did I mention that the bride possibly broke her nose yesterday, she said it is just starting to bruise!!! Deep breath, deep breath, deep breath. This is why I stay away from weddings they are not my thing and now I really want a glass of wine but since its on my list with the cold meds I will continue to drink my peach tea.

A No Water Weekend!

Since this is a long weekend, and we have not done any big house projects in a while we decided to try and tackle a project on our ever growing list. We were trying to decided between our bed or starting the kitchen, 2 very important rooms. After a couple of days of trying to make up our minds and at the lat minute we picked the bathroom! I know...crazy right! Matt got home yesterday and started ripping out drywall and plumbing. The washer and dryer are in the dinning room, the sink is outside and the shower only has a back and 1 side. We have been to Home Depot twice already and I have to say our debt card looks sad and tired from all the action its getting. But as I write this I have a smile on my face because I will have a done bathroom sooner than later. I can't wait to have all the walls sealed up, have a shower that looks clean after you clean it, a fan and a few more lights! Matt just wanted in letting me know the water was going off and he is draining and moving the hot water tank so he can remove all the pipes in the wall and start over.
This weekend 6 years ago we moved into our house it is time for a new bathroom!

Apples

A couple of days ago Matt and I picked my first patch of apples. I plan on turning them into so yummy applebutter, apple sauce and make an apple bourbon pie. Sophia came over last night for dinner and to play for awhile and I couldn't get my camera out quick enough. The first apple she bite into was very tart, I love the way she wrinkles her nose and shakes her head. Matt handed her a sweeter one and she went to town. This past weekend I handed her my corn on the cob not knowing what she would do with it. She didn't end up giving it back, she ate over half of it. I have to say that every time I see her she completely amazes me, Matt and I feel so lucky that we get to live so close and see her as she is growing up.

SAN JUAN PICTURES

3 weeks!

s

Today I was gently reminded from a good friend that I have not had a blog posting in 3 weeks :) so here I am. Tomorrow we leave for our San Juan trip, we will spend 5 days on 3 differant islands. This is a well needed trip for both of us, Aug 2nd was my due date and I have to say that even though it has been 4 months it is still really hard. So we figure why try to be strong in front of everyone this weekend, lets just get out of town! The bus is almost packed up and we should be on a ferry by 8am tomorrow.
And what is a post without a couple of pictures. I just took these of the house and yard. My goal for the yard was to be overflowing and so far I am pretty happy. I just can't wait for the sunflowers to bloom! We also had the pleasure of having Sophie come over and play the other night. My Mom got me the baby bath tub Sophie is playing in,it was the perfect pool.

TO THE LAKE

First off, how cute is the bus with the kayaks on top...I love it. I love that you can do anything to the bus and its OK because it is a VW. We could realy strap anything to the top and it would be ok.now I am thinking of weird things to put on top of the bus :) Anyway so much fun! We are heading to Moses Lake were my wonderful aunt is letting us camp for the weekend on one of their pieces of property on the lake. We are going to stay in one spot for the whole weekend! This is pretty crazy for us because we tend to explore on our trips rather than relax. Again I can't wait. All week I have been bugging Matt about what to bring or other details for our weekend. We are even bringing the dogs. I have only a couple more hours of work and then I think we are leaving.Yeah!

Sophie

oLD STUFF, gOOD sTUFF & tEQUILA

As most of you know Matt and I love old stuff, we love hunting for it at garage sale, antique stores, an sometimes the garbage. Well this past weekend we went to a 50% off sale at the salvation army in Seattle. MAtt was so excited he made sure we were there 30 minutes before it opened and we took the VW just in case we found something big. I had to tease him a bit because he was in such a hurry. I was sure that no one would be there waiting to get in, I was wrong. We ended up being 3rd in line of about 50 plus people...crazy! It was cold and raining too. And the people in line, it was hard not to stare, there was a little Old lady two people behind us who was chewing . I was wondering what Matt had got us into. I have to say it was all worth it because I finally got my copper pot that I have been wanting for a few years. We have found them in the past but I would never pay the pretty penny people want for them. Now for the amazing part, when I found the copper pot it did not have a lid on it and I was fine with that. After a few minutes Matt and I separated to look for our own treasures. Matt always hits the weird section , random stuff that doesn't fit anywhere else in the store so they stick it in a pile in the back. Well it paid off because he found the lid, when were both stunned! When we were leaving a lady came up to us and was going to tell us about the lid till she saw we had it but she said that the pot had been here for a really long time but the lid just came in YESTERDAY! I know, I am way to excited about this, but still wow!
Lets see what else, Matt and I are in the process off revamping our bikes. That is a pictures of my seat with the S on it, sooo cute. No cool story about where we got it I found it on ebay. I do have to say it was the first time I won anything on ebay, so that made me happy. Oh and my crazy quilt. I love crazy quilts, I have one that I got a few years ago that I use all the time. Well my mother in law Kelli also knows this. Last weekend we ran into Kelli at the store and she told me she had seen one that day in Issaquah so the 3 of us headed to get my quilt. The fun part of that story is that we took the bus (Matt drove) and Kelli and I took tequila shoots on the way there and on the way back. No one can call us quitters either because we finished the bottle, well minus 2 shots MAtt had. I can put that one on the list of things that I never thought I would do. I am not a tequila fan but drinking a bottle with my mother in law. We had so much fun but again I never thought it would happen.

Clubs That I am In

Today we have our final appointment at the University of Washington, our autopsy review. I am not sure how I even feel about this appointment, I can feel tears starting to roll down my cheeks but as far as feelings go I am numb. I sometimes try to think about how other people would deal with this situation when I am not sure how I feel. I don't know why I do this, it never helps but time and time again I find myself doing it. Today we get to find out more about why this happened and what exactly was wrong with him. It is going to be hard to hear, even through we have already lost him.
It is funny that in the past year I have found myself in all these clubs that I have never joined. First it was with the VW bus, membership includes waving at other VW bus members, smiling at all the people who drive by and are pointing at you as you drive down the road and talking with random people who used to have one or knew someone who had one! Club #2 Mini Cooper Club. I think these people are weirder than VW people and some VW people are weird. Member ship rules, you MUST wave at other mini people even if you see them all the time and they never wave at you. I do not wave at mini people, I love my car but it is not old, it is not super unique! If you want one, there are dealerships with hundreds of them...I am not going to wave. Matt and I saw this one mini 3 time in an hour and a half in Maple Valley, he waved every time. Not the two finger off the steering wheel wave, I could deal with this. This guy gave the I following an elementary school school bus crazy excited wave every time. If only I could of got a picture of Matts face when we would see the crazy mini driving towards us. And the last club the reason for my rant. Club # 3 I have lost my baby. Rules Try not to cry all the time. This last club I didn't realize I was in until last week. At work of course I see parents with their kids and babys all day. There was a lady who had 4 children with her, we were talking and she had mention that she had lost a baby. I didn't say anything about myself. Then we were all talking about pregnancy, we all have our stories. I sometimes forget that I am not still pregnant.For me pregnancy and babies are a separate thing, they are not linked like almost everyone else. I need to remember that if I mention being pregnant people will ask about the baby. I don't feel bad talking about Jude but sometimes people think it makes me feel bad so they don't ask or even worse pretend that it didn't happen. So I chime in with something about being pregnant and she asks about my baby, when I tell her that I lost my baby instead of her freezing up and changing the subject or saying I am sooo sorrry. She ask how far long I was, if I had a little girl or boy and what our little boys name was. It was so nice. She then ask when I gave birth and said wow you are just in the beginning of this. It was so amazing to talk with someone who wasn't scared of me and what I have been through and was a perfect stranger. I am OK with this club, Woman who have lost the most important thing, their baby.


The picture is of Jude's star. A good friend of our family bought a star for Jude. I love seeing his name. It always put a big smile on Matt and my face.

Big hair and an orange wall

I found this picture of Matt and I last night. Wow that was a few years again, but I love it for so many reason. First look at how big Matt's hair is...and mine too, so much fun. But my favorite part is looking at were we where. Our kitchen, when it was still a boy house. Only car pictures on the fridge, having 2 refrigerators, there is one behind us too. There was a stack of tires next to that fridge but you can't really see them. The orange wall is not even there anymore! I love old pictures, this was taken almost 5 years ago!

Tulips

So we went up to see the tulips on Saturday but I fell in love with this barn instead. But the flowers were pretty too!

3 weeks tomorrow

I know that it is not good to dwell on sad things for to long but I have to say that this week has been really hard. My body still aches to hold my baby and I don't know how to get rid of this feeling. It is a want that I know I can't fill. It doesn't matter how loud I have my music or how fast I drive my car it is still there. I feel hollow inside, like I have a permanent void where he used to be. And there is nothing to fill it up. Today at work there was a lady who was pregnant and she was a far along as I would of been. I look at her cute belly with such envy and sadness that I thought I was going to die right there in the middle of cleaning her 2 years old teeth. I look at people with children differently now, like they have a special secret that they all share between themselves and I have been left out. Life is just so hard right now, I know that it will get better. I am taking small steps, I don't cry when I wake up anymore, the overwhelming feeling doesn't hit me until the evening and I have to be happy for that . It is a step in the right direction.

This picture was taken the day before we found out anything was wrong, I look at this picture and see differant people, we are different people now.

Back to work with a mini cooper and a blue bag

You know that you are over emotional when you get a new car and cry. This past friday Matt and I traded in my very practical car for something a little more fun. I finally got my Mini Cooper, Matt and I have been looking at them for 9 years. Yes 9 years, the first time we looked at them I still lived at my parents! When we got to the dealership and I saw the car and had a smile on my face, an actual smile for the first time in a while. But as we drove off I had tears in my eyes and running down my cheeks...I don't know why I even wear make up anymore. I was so sad to leave my old car, I loved my wagon. Poor Matt had a look of complete confusion on his face. But by the time we were home my smile was back. I have to say that I do love that little car. Monday was my first day back to work and it was a hard day. I work at a children dental office so I see kids, babys, and pregnant woman all day, talk about pouring salt in my wounds. Actually two of the girls I work with are now pregnant. Anytime I felt like bursting into tears I would look out the window and see my little car. I was able to hold it all in until I was almost home. Another good thing about my car is the tinted windows, they allow me to fall apart all by myself and look all together from the outside. Which is pretty much me right now, a mess on the inside with enough sanity to it pull together on the outside.
On a happier note I have to talk about my husband. I know that I an extremely lucky to have him in my life especially as my husband. Today when I got home from work he had a big smile on his face and said he had a birthday gift for me. He said he wanted to give it to me early, my birthday isn't until the 16th. He ran upstairs and grabbed the gift bag and was back in seconds. I open it to find a black and blue bag that was kind of a sling and had a lunch box on the bottom. Across the front of it it had a Mckinstry label. He smile and said this is what he had be saving his safety bucks for, to get me this bag. A safety buck is something you get at his work if you don't have an accidents. You only get a couple a month and this is a nice bag. I asked him how long he had been saving for and he said proudly a year and a half! That is an amazing husband, they have some really cool stuff he could of got for himself but he got the bag for me. I am a very lucky person.

Baby toes, all 9?

I finally feel Ok enough to share Jude's prints. First off I have to say that he did have all his toes they just missed one :) At the same time I wanted to scream and say this is all I have and you missed a toe? Thankfully I was way to nauseous to be my normal self or I would have a print with all of his toes on it and a nurse in tears. I put my wedding ring next to them so you could see how tiny they are. Sometime I wish I could curl up with them and they would help feel whole again, but it is just a piece of paper.
Last week before I had Jude I felt like I was going to go crazy, I needed to change something...anything. I couldn't cut my hair because it is just growing back from the last time I chopped it off to make myself feel better. And I couldn't move furniture because I was pregnant so I ripped up the carpet in the front room! It made me feel so good cutting up the carpet and just having something to take my mind off of how horrible things were. I called my little brother and had him come over for a load to the Goodwill. Matt and him moved a couple of other things out of the way and I had a razor blade in my hand and was cutting up the carpet before noon. I don't even think Matt thought I was serious at first but then he walked in the room and I was cutting the carpet with tears in my eyes and he was on board. The carpet was gone in seconds, one quick cut. The sub floor took a bit longer. I was scared that if anyone came over they would have us committed :) But it really helped...and now we have hardwood floors, well I was informed that it is fir so technically its a soft wood but to me it is all the same.
I know that that is a lot of info about our floors and not the baby but it still hurts too much to write about it. It amazes me that the strangest things hit me so hard that I am on the floor in seconds. Matt said something about getting fire wood from my brother, we have been planning on this for months but all I could think about was how that fire wood was supposed to keep the baby warm all winter. I could help it, I sobbed for a good 10 minutes...over the thought of firewood. It has only been 4 days and it feels like a life time. I know that we will get thought this but it is not easy, it is not fun.

Jude

We welcomed out baby boy Jude yesterday morning at 9:01am. He was 10 inches long and a little over 8 ounces. We did not get what we hope, but we were able to hold him as long as we wanted. Matt crawled into bed next to me and we just laid there for a while. I was able to go home from the hospital at 3:00pm. It is good to be home but also sad.

Our hardest day so far

I woke up this morning with all my cats curled around me as tightly as they could be. I lay in bed listening to the alarm wondering how I am ever going to have the strength to get out of bed and then they all started purring. Anyone who thinks animal don't know what is going on, do not know what is going on themselves. Our dogs have even been sad. I should be getting ready to go, but I am some how hoping that I miss everything or I finally wake up from this horrible dream. I feel completly empty on the inside, and worry that if you look in my eyes you won't see anything anymore. I know it is weird to be writing all of these things but if I write it, I get a break from feeling it. Matt just took our bag for the weekend outside and I know no matter what I do, or how much I want to kick and scream this is really happening. This morning I am being induced, this weekend we will welcome a part of our family and also say goodbye....

Aurora

We have given our little girl a name and it is Aurora. I am not sure where to start, with ever key I hit my fingers scream with sleeplessness. It has been a very rough week and morning always seem to be the worse. Our poor baby Aurora is very sick. We had our appt at the University of Washington and they were sad to say that she is actually worse than they thought and that she is not going to make it. She has a very severe heart and brain condition, she is also very small. Unfortunilty Matt and I don't have a lot of options on what to do. This weekend or tomorrow at 8:00am we meet with the doctors to go over a couple of things and then I will be induced. We will have our baby this weekend at the University of Washington a far cry from my midwifes bathtub. Now this was our choice for me to go through labor and deliver our baby. I feel that Aurora deserves a birth no matter how sick or tiny she is. And we have something to hope for, there is a small change that she will be born alive. We were told that even if she is it will not be for long, maybe a couple of minutes. But those preciouse couple of minutes are worth going through hell and back for. We have to take what we can get. After I give birth Matt and I will be able to hold her and spend as much time as we like with her no matter how things end up. Thank you everyone for you thoughts and prayers it means a lot to Matt and I

Unthinkable

Matt and my hearts have been broken, the rug has been pulled from under us and our heads are still spinning. Our baby is very sick. We now realize why they didn't want to tell us her sex. What we took as poor customer service was actually then trying to spare our feelings. My midwife called us on Sunday and we went to her house to get the news. I thought that I had received bad news before, it has been a rough year. But this actually took my breath away and I feel like I am still holding it. We have been referred to the University of Washington, where we will spend all day today. We get another ultra-sound and get to meet with a doctor who specializes in babys who have so much going wrong with them. I hope we get some answers today, it has been really hard not knowing what is going on. We don't even know what to hope for because we don't really know how bad or good things are yet. We will keep everyone as up to date a possible.

Koch Baby #2 will be?

So just wanted to remind everyone that tomorrow is the big day, we find out what our baby is going to be so exciting! More exciting news is that it is Matts Birthday today. This morning as he was opening some present I realized that the first of his birthday that we spent together he was 19 and today he turns 31...crazy!

Dead Things In Tight Places!

Yesterday around three I thought to myself, Yeah we don't have to do anything tonight...we can just relax! Well that did not happen. As soon as Matt got out of school he let me know that his Moms house had a horrible smell in it and he had to climb under the house to see if there was something dead under it, fun! Since he would be home for at least 40 mins Kelli came to our house to breath some fresh air. As soon as Matt got home we head to Kellie's smelly house. And did it smell! Wow, as soon as we got there we started opening windows and Matt suited up. Did I mention that Matt hates climbing under house, especial if he is looking for something dead! I tried to get one of the other brothers over for some support for Matt but all he ended up with was Oscar our little dog, and he wouldn't even go under the house. MAtt made it under and found it, a large super dead super smelly possum! And he was not happy about it. I finally got a hold of Andrew and bribed him to come help Matt.( I have to do a photo shot of his truck this weekend) The smell was so bad that you could stand by one of the foundation vents and catch the smell and want to puke! Oh and one other gross detail the possum was covered in baby flys! Yes you know what I am talking about and Andrew hates baby flies so we couldn't tell him about it so he would help. I know mean but Kelli has house guest coming over and you couldn't go in the house it was so bad.
Ok now I know that this part is a little mean but Andrew kept saying how Matt was such a baby because he wouldn't do this by himself so I don't feel really bad. As soon as Andrew and Matt go back to the possum Andrew saw the baby flies :) we could hear him yelling I think I am going to get sick. I know not nice. But still I had to laugh, I should say we because Kelli and I both we at the vent laughing. Shortly after they got it out, we lit candles in the house and ended our relaxing evening!

LIfe Hint: Make sure animals can not get under your house :)

Bathing suits and blooms

Well I have to say that the gardening bug has hit me hard this year and it is still winter! This past week when we had all the beautiful weather I spend most of my time in the yard getting it ready for compost. I was a little worried that this year I would be able to do as much since I am pregnant but I have to say I think I am enjoying it more! This year I am not in such a rush because I know I can only do so much. I even had bought seeds and normally that is not my cup of tea but this year I can't wait to start them. Matt and I were going through pictures of the house the other day and I found these of my garden. I can't wait!
Yesterday I had a friend recommend deep water aerobics, she is also pregnant and said it does wonders for her. So I braved Target looking for a bathing suit. I haven't found a suit that I have felt good in in a few years so I was a little scared looking for one when I am almost 5 months pregnant. But yesterday the stars were in a line for me because not only did I find a suit, I actually laughed and smiled when I put it on. Did I mention that this was after a huge lunch with Melissa and I still loved the suit. It is a 2 piece but the top comes down to my hips, black with white poke a dotes and then a little ruffle. Yes a ruffle only about an inch long that shoots out and looks so cute with my pregnant belly, slightly ridiculous but just enough!
Water aerobics was amazing, we are in the deep water and you have all these floaty things strapped to you. It was a great work out. Imagine having water wings strapped to you ankles, they want to float to the surface so you have to work the whole time to keep them under the water, then jog around the pool...great core work out!

V-day Weekend

Matt decided that he was going to surprise me for the weekend and take me on a bus trip! But since he had been working on the bus non stop for the past few weekends I kind of figures it out. Also Matt and I are really bad about surprises...they never last! We left on Friday as soon as Matt was off of work. The weather was crazy as we drove to the ocean the wind kept throwing the bus around the road and the rain was so bad we could hardly see! We kept looking at each other laughing and saying what a great weekend it was to go to the ocean. I have never been to Long Beach before that I know of and I have to say it is beautiful! We grab dinner in town...it was horrible! By the time we found out campsite it was dark and kind of spooky. We ended up finding one and hunkered down for the night. We were really close to the ocean so we could hear it all night, which was kind of nice. The crazy wind and rain that shook the bus most of the night was another story, but we slept well. It actually always amazes me how good we sleep in the bus because at home we both tend to toss and turn. Maybe it is the 30 year old piece of foam we sleep on :) Anyway when we woke in the morning we knew that after a night like that we could take the bus pretty much anywere anytime of season...well maybe not in the snow!
Matt made an amazing breakfast like always, the tummy was happy. As we drove back into town we noticed that most of the main street was blocked off. We stopped and grabbed some hot chocolate for Travis's sister in laws coffee shop (super cute) to find that a policeman had been shot and they were still looking for the guy, who was on foot! Can we pick the best weekends to go somewhere or what. It was cold, windy and rainy, the bus has so much moister in it we were constantly squeegeeing the windows and now there was a crazy guy on the loose with a gun! But when this is your well needed weekend together all you can do is smile. Oh one other slightly funny think, well kind of, I packed all of the bus for the weekend. This was my first time doing it all by myself which is a lot of work. Normally I have lists and I am very organized but I am pregnant so if i forgot something oh well. As we were driving Matt would ask do you bring this or that I would smile and say no. Well on Saturday morning we figured out one thing that really should of got packed...Matts coat! But we still kept smiling! We left Longbeach that day and drove along the Columbia river and headed home.

Oh this was a Historic Covered Bridge that we found along the way. All I could think is Beattlejuice,Beattlejuice,Beattlejuice,!

15 weeks

What a fun week I have had, I found out on Wednesday that I have shingles! Yuck! And there is nothing they can do because I am pregnant. So Matt jumped online and found all the things that I am not suppose to eat(everything that tastes good) and I have been having accupuncture. I have to say that it is starting to clear up. I have another acupuncture appt this morning so I am hoping that I am good to go for this weekend.
We out the baby's crib together and started to put the room together. We still need to paint and put in a closet but it was fun to start to get a feel for the room. Oh and the quilt I made for the babys bed fit perfect. About a month ago I was going through pretty much everything and found the start of a quilt that my pink grandma made. All the patch work was done it just needed quilted. I had never done anything with it because it was long and narrow, but folded in two it made a perfect baby quilt. I kind of feel like it is a present from my pink grandma for the baby. It makes me feel like she is still part of things because I know that even though she is not here she is still excited for the baby. Oh and I love the colors of the quilt, our babys room is going to be very colorful and hopefully a little crazy. I can't wait for you all to see it!

14th week

Our baby! Matt and I went to my Midwife appt yesterday and we got to hear the heart beat and see the baby. It is amazing to see how quickly the baby is growing. I feel like every day my stomach is getting bigger. And I am happy to see that there is a baby in there. Sometimes I wonder, am I pregnant or just getting really lazy and chunky:) I wish I could of taken a picture of Matts face when the baby was on the screen. He got the biggest smile, it makes me want to have my camera ready as soon as I have the baby so I can get that first look on his face when he gets to see the baby. Matt got to meet Nancy finally, she is my midwife and will be delivering our baby! She asked him if he want to catch the baby as it is delivered, he is not sure about it which is good because I am not sure about it either. I guess we will have to both be in the moment to decide that one. I am thinking we will have our baby at her birthing center, she has a bigger bath tub than us, but I still really want a home birth...maybe for baby #2. I want to say thank you to all the people who have held back and not touched my stomach. And I have to say my reflexes are getting pretty good...I can jump back pretty quick!

Nesting!?

I was told that once I was pregnant that I would start to Nest. Wanting to fix the babys room, so it just right. Well, I have no babys room yet, so the rest of the house is getting it. Matt is freaking a little because he loves to save everything. I tease that he was born during the depress. But I have already taken 4 car loads to the Goodwill and I have to say it feels good. Matt has put in 2 closets so far(our house had ZERO before, really zero) so it is my new goal to actually be able to find the things I want to find. I know, crazy! Oh another cute thing about Matt, we went through his clothes, he has 3 times the amount of clothes that I do. And he keep getting more from work. As we were going throught her clothes he swore that he wore all this stuff,like I dont live with him and see what he wears :) So now he will come down stairs in clothes he has not wore in years, really years. And I have to laugh because I know he does want to wear those pair of jeans he has about 5 other pair he likes to wear when working on thing. He just cant stand to get rid of them so he wears them with some gross car t-shirt that will end up in my next bag to the Goodwill.
Also I had to share the picture of the shoes we just got them in the mail, from my Grandpa and Joannie. And Sophie really isn't eating that piece of pizza. I had to beg Cory, wash my hands twice and take the picture really really quick, I promised. I love taking pictures of her doing crazing things and then send them to Tanya while she is at work.

12 weeks

As of yesterday I am 12 weeks. I have been dreaming about the most random food. Yesterday I woke up from a well needed nap and had Honey Combs cereal on my mind. I can't even remember the last time I ate cereal! And naps...I need them or I become completely unpleasant, to say the least. Poor Matt, yesterday morning he took me into Seattle for a cup of the best coffee I have ever had and then we walked around Fremont. They was a farmers market, with fresh veggies, an antique sale and I got the cutest/dorkiest hat i have ever owned. So much fun. I found myself thinking I would love to live around here. To be able to walk everywhere. I love the idea of getting up on the weekend and walking to get a cup of coffee, getting your food for the week at the local farmers market and walk back home. And most importantly to a home that is not missing drywall and where I have a closet to hang my cloths . This all started very slowly, it would be neat to move here and the more I thought about it the more I wanted to move. I found myself crying the whole way home because I wanted to move to Seattle. Big tears the whole way. Now I would still love to move to Seattle but the fact the our house is completely torn apart we would never be able to sell it right now. Also, house in Seattle are spendy especially the ones close to farmers markets. But yesterday I wanted to start packing knowing all of this. Again poor Matt. If anyone has any tricks of keeping the prego crazys away please let me know :)

Sophie pictures

It has been way to long since I have gotten any pictures of Miss Sophie. I took these the other day. I love all the crazy faces she makes. When ever I take pictures I always try to get a little bit of the persons personality. If you have ever met this wild little woman you know that she loves to make this face..and I love it when she makes it. More picture to come.

Anikin on the roof!

Matt and I just got home from kayaking, i am super sleepy and am in need of some food! MAtt comes in laughing and said grab your camera...hurry! As I am walking out of the house he keeps saying i dont know how this happened. Yes that is my indoor cat on the roof. He doesnt go out side, ever. Well i guess i can't say that anymore. So as i am snapping pictures of my cat I look down at my dogs who have little white things all over their faces. Cat claws! I am guess that the dogs wanted to play and Anikin wasn't having it since he hates the dogs. So he attacked both of the, Oscar the little dog got it the worst but Riley who weighs over 100 pounds also got it. Then the cat climbed the porch! All of them are ok now. I have taken all of the claws out of the dogs faces...now for some food


oh yeah I am 11 weeks today!

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